Yeah, I admit it. I’m a fraud. I’ve been pretending to be something I’m not for quite some time now. I pretend to be a photographer and to answer the call to blogging like I’m someone who knows what I’m doing or like I’m someone who has earned the right to do so. I have a tendency to assume this role during big moments in my life, and most of those moments were moments when I hurt the worst. They were moments when suffering was intense, my heart was broken, my soul ached, and I crumpled under the weighted pain of losing loved ones. It’s as if those moments gave me permission to tend to my soul. The little voice inside my head has been screaming “fraud” for a few weeks now. Calling me out to be the liar I am. Why? Because unless something drastic happens in my life, I consistently fail to commit to my calling.
It’s in those “my world’s been rocked” moments that I seem to wake up, at least temporarily. On most days, I feel guilty sitting behind a computer to write or taking time to capture my crazy way of seeing the world through the lens of my camera. Reality tells me I have to focus on my family and on my job. I have a house to clean, bills to pay, meals to prepare, dogs to walk, organizations to serve…the list goes on and on.
It’s hard to commit to art when life tells you it’s the least of your priorities. There are so many urgent things that need done in a day I no longer have time to commit to that important thing that tugs at my core. It seems selfish to give into my creative temptations when there’s “real work” to be done. It’s a funny thing, however, when something happens to make the world stop; I can’t function unless I return to what feels most real. For me, that’s photographing, writing, and exercise. These three activities are my life’s testament to unforeseen possibility. They allow me to play on an infinite field defying any boundaries the real world places around me. Through these outlets I find freedom, I find comfort, I find truth, I find peace.
What makes me a fraud is my constant failure to commit to my passions. I’m casually dating them and pursuing them on an occasional basis with no real commitment. To no longer be a fraud, I need to be married to my passions. I need to honor the voice within and live a lifetime commitment to bettering the relationship. I must embrace that “till death do us part” drive to master my craft. I must be willing to train, struggle, sweat, take some blows, fail, get back up, hopefully experience some wins, and spend my time in the arena knowing I took time every day to pursue my passions. Commit. Live my truth. I must play my game daily without waiting for something to rock my world before receiving permission to do so.
The real world does exist. I do have priorities and commitments to others. I fail myself and others, however, when I allow those priorities and commitments to become excuses holding me back from living fully. It would be cruel to blame them for the resistance holding me back from answering my call. The resistance comes from me and me alone. It comes from my lack of discipline, my laziness, my distractions, my fears, my wanting an easy way out. Recognizing and overcoming that resistance is my first step to finally embracing my truth and walking away from this fraudulent life. No boundaries. No limits. No excuses. It’s time to start living a lifetime of truth and choose discipline over disappointment. It’s time to stop giving into distractions and excuses and start giving it my all, to stop pretending and start doing, for better or worse, till death do us part.
Love Big. Hug Hard. Laugh Loud. Write On.